Headlines

What if all these famous atheists really were destined for hell?  Here are just some of the headlines we might expect to see in such a world.

George Orwell Conquers Hell In Revolution Of 1984

-When asked why he did it, Mr. Orwell replied: "The party seeks power for its own sake."

Mark Zuckerberg Deals With Devil
-In an ingenious move this afternoon, one Mark Zuckerberg managed to escape hell by agreeing to delete Jesus' Facebook account and make everybody friends with Satan.  Meanwhile, Jesus invites you to follow him on his new YouTube channel: Walking on Water.

Legion of Angels Unable To Determine Whereabouts Of Helen Keller
-Despite having the missing girl on the phone, investigators were still unable to determine Helen Keller's whereabouts.  "She's just not giving us anything to go on," said one heavenly agent.  "We simply can't discern her post-mortem whereabouts.  And to be quite frank, neither can she."

Hellbound?  Mythbusters Say 'Busted'
-Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage tried to go to hell yesterday, but it turns out that myth is busted.

Gene Wilder Opens Hell's First Chocolate Factory

-Be sure to check your Wilder Bars for a spontaneously-combusting golden ticket.  Find a ticket and win a free tour!

Keanu Reeves Now The One Standing Between You And Hell

-Jesus' vacation will not cause massive demon uprisings, say Seraphs.  Keanu "The One" Reeves will be filling in as savior during the holy one's absence.

Richard Dawkins Reports Speciation In Devils

-Eminent biologist Richard Dawkins' recent submission: "Empirical Evidence for the Speciation of Devils" has just passed the peer-review process, and has been approved for publication in Blasphemy magazine.  Barring any further bolts of lightning, the article will print this week.

Mark Twain Not Dead
Everyone thought Mark Twain went to hell last week, but it turns out it was all an elaborate hoax.  In fact, Twain reports that he was secretly hiding in the rafters, watching his own funeral.

Marie Curie Appointed Head Of Hell's Nuclear Weapons Program

Archangel Michael has proposed a weapons embargo that would halt the program, but only time will tell if the legislation can pass in the UN.

Susan B Anthony On Face Of Hell's New Coin

According to Spokesperson Beelzebub: "It's about time we recognized this woman's critical role in granting women equal suffering in hell."

Bill Nye Now Hell’s Science Guy

-When asked about his selection, Satan commented: "He was the best man for the job.  Even death couldn't stop his love for science." 

Kevin Bacon Just Acting
Fans were dismayed last week to here the screams of Kevin Bacon emenating from hell's entrance.  But they can rest assured now, for Fox Studios has revealed that Bacon was merely working on his latest movie, "A Few Good Devils.'

Jodie Foster Silencing Hell’s Lambs

-Demonic residents can expect a shortage of mutton this month as rebel Jodie Foster continues to attack Hell's agricultural industry.

Bruce Lee Escapes Hell
-All of hells guards are currently in the intensive care unit and unavailable for comment.

Daniel Radcliffe Stationed in Hell
-"Hell had it's first brakeout last week and I'm not taking any chances," says Radcliffe.  "I'm the one who sent him (Voldemort) there, and now I've got to make sure he can't escape."  It is rumored that Radcliffe has also supplied the TSA with a surprisingly large quantity of probity probes, to help tighten security.  When asked about the rumors, Radcliffe declined to comment.

Penn and Teller Sent to Hell
-"He can torture us all he wants, but we're not telling him how its done," says Penn, referring to the duo's latest illusion.  Teller declined to comment on the situation.

Thomas Edison Invents Hellivator

-Despite the offer, heaven has decided to keep its staircase.

Arthur Miller Replaced by Salesmen

-Legendary playwrite Arther Miller managed to escape hell yesterday by promising to send Satan one salesman a year to replace him.  When asked how Miller would achieve such a feat, he merely replied: "I'm writing a new play."

Douglas Adams Hitchhikes Out of Hell

-Adams informed the Holy Press the he would be writing a tell-all book that others could use as a guide.

Sylvester McCoy Sneaks Sonic Screwdriver Into Hell
-Despite the TSA's assurances that their new probity probes would decrease terroristic threats by ninety percent, terrorist McCoy wreaked havoc today when he managed to slip a sonic screwdriver through hell's security checkpoint.

Brad Pitt Declares Self Hell's New Ruler
What appeared to be a simple fighting club turned out to be an elaborate underground terrorist movement, which has succeeded in crippling hell's technological infrastructure.  TSA blames security lapse on faulty probity probes.

Ray Romano Wins Hell's 'Most Loved' Contest

In an unprecedented landslide victory, Ray Romano received every single vote in hell's "Most Loved Person" contest.  Says one voter: "I guess it just goes to show that here in hell, everybody loves Raymond."

Joss Whedon Saves Hell
After crash-landing his spaceship in hell, Joss Whedon quickly set to work assembling the underworld’s finest superheroes into a crack team, led by a daring vampire slayeress.