Things Zaq and Company are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 540-590

541: Not allowed to use explosive bombs while fighting onboard a wooden ship

542: Not allowed to take Favored Enemy: Party Member.

543: Not allowed to accidentally summon a hydra during an alchemy experiment

544: When accidentally summoning a hydra during an alchemy experiment, I am not allowed to shunt the blame onto an innocent bystander.

545: I have not been hired to assassinate another party member

546: Not allowed to name my character Beef Bowswag

547: Beef Bowswag does not refer to himself in the third person

548: I do not keep a “Rod of Detect Little Girl” in my pants

549: Not allowed to invent a Lawful Good deity named Satan

550: Plants do not make good spies

551: Having an extra mouth on my forehead does not allow me to get drunk faster.

552: Not allowed to name my alchemist Al Chemist

553: The male line of my lineage does not consist entirely of alchemists named “Al Chemist.”

554: Not even when “Al” reflects a different name each time

555: Not allowed to give Zaq ideas

556: Not allowed to invent a Potion of Ruffie

557: Not allowed to kill off NPCs just to reduce the number of names I have to remember

558: There is no such disciplinary measure as Cleric Detention

559: Not allowed to open my dialog with the phrase “Hail, good ho!”

560: Uttering “This statement is false” does not counterspell candles of truth.

561: “Giant Slugs” is not a valid investment strategy.

562: Nobody offers giant slug insurance.

563: Not allowed to include “Raped by the Catholic Church” as part of my backstory

564: My campaign does not contain “Flour-ish,” which functions exactly like flour except it cannot be used to create thermobaric weapons.

565: Not allowed to turn my captured enemy into my acolyte.

566: Not allowed to kill my acolyte.

567: Not allowed to use the phrase “Viking Funeral” as a euphemism for burning the evidence.

568: Impersonating an officer of the law is definitely illegal.

569: My campaign world does not contain “Catlets,” which function just like housecats but with nerfed combat stats.

570: My character’s goals do not include “Drive the DM insane.”

571: Not allowed to barricade the door by tripping every enemy that tries to come through.

572: Not allowed to use a candle of truth as a reality detector.

572: Not allowed to include a fully detailed account of the last campaign’s infinite time loop as a cursed tome in the current campaign.

573: There is no Orthodox/Reform schism in the Druidic Order, and even if there was, I would not be allowed to use it to justify borderline infractions on the Druid class’s gear restrictions.

574: Slaves do not count as 3/5 of a party member for the purposes of distributing loot.

575: I am not allowed to bring the ship back in two pieces

576: The space cops are not a race of humanoid pigs

577: No one is going to believe that I’m working for the guy who just put a bounty on my head

578: Not allowed to take advantage of Darth Vader’s low organic body mass with psychotropic drugs.

579: Not allowed to take out the Sun Crusher with a blaster pistol.

580: The Sith lord is not a space pimp

581: There is no force power “Force Pimp Slap.”

582: There is no roll for pregnancy

583: Not allowed to collect the bounty on myself

584: Not allowed to put my rhinoceros animal companion on an elephant mount.

585: My Pegasus mount is not named Minmaximillion the Pegasus.

586: My primary resource is not “The DM’s Hope”.

587: Nor is it the DM’s tears.

588: Not allowed to polymorph my familiar into an attractive member of my preferred sex, no matter how amazing Empathic Link might be in that situation.

589: Doing the above to the paladin’s mount makes me vulnerable to Smite Evil.

590: There is no Orthodox/Reform schism in the Monastic Order, and even if there was, I would not be allowed to use it to justify borderline infractions on the Monk class’s gear restrictions.