Author's Note: Many thanks to my friend Jim for helping me come up with all this craziness. This is not a serious examination of the origins of the New Atheist Movement. In fact, it all began with an investigation into the thermodynamics of the Heaven-Hell-Universe system. Since Jim and I tend to feed off of each other's crazy ideas, we eventually developed this radical and humorous reinterpretation of the history of religion.
WARNING: This note may be highly offensive to anyone who... well... anyone. Read at your own risk.
Origins of the New Atheist Movement
First, there was Heaven. Then, Heaven needed a power source. This is known as the First Energy Crisis of Heaven. To this end, God created Hell, which burns souls in order to generate the electricity needed by Heaven’s residents. The first souls in Hell were those of Lucifer and other angels who rebelled against God during the First Energy Crisis.
Now souls are eternal, and can thus burn forever. However, they still only output a finite power, or energy per unit time. Eventually the population growth of angles caused an increase in Heaven’s power demands. This is known as the Second Energy Crisis of Heaven. God couldn’t very well throw his loyal angels into Hell to supply additional fuel, because the Elected Council of Angles (henceforth the ECA. They serve as a sort of parliament to the kingship of God) would never agree to such a thing. In fact, after the First Energy Crisis, the ECA passed the Support for Supporters act, which required that all who supported God be allowed to live comfortably in Heaven while only those who rebelled could be sent to Hell as fuel. To this end, God created the Universe. The Universe held a new kind of soul, belonging to human beings.
God then sent Lucifer, in the form of a snake, to ensure that the vast majority of humans would rebel, thereby increasing the power output of Hell and solving the Second Energy Crisis. But it turns out that the fission of souls results in an annoying byproduct element called Morality. Morality is highly radioactive, and thus decays rapidly into the element of Surprise (this is why immoral acts have such a high shock value). However, with a great many humans being sent to Hell, the connection between Hell and the Universe had to allow for high flow rates, which in turn allowed a large amount of Morality to diffuse into the Universe before decaying. And as the humans encountered Morality, some started supporting God. This lead to humans entering Heaven, in accordance with the Support for Supporters act. Thus the decline in the flow rate of humans into Hell combined with the increase in the flow rate of humans into Heaven lead to the Third Energy Crisis of Heaven.
In a short-sighted attempt to solve the Third Energy Crisis, God created a world-wide flood to get a large number of sinners into Hell to produce more power. Unfortunately, this left the Universe sparsely populated. With such a population decrease, the death rate decreased. But since there was no parallel decrease in angelic birth-rate, Heaven’s energy demands rose quickly while Hell’s energy output was effectively constant. This eventually led to the Fourth Energy Crisis of Heaven.
By the Fourth Energy Crisis, God decided to violate the Support for Supporters act and send his own son to Hell. Jesus, being the son of God, had an omnipotent soul, which means infinite power output. Thus Jesus in Hell would solve all future energy crises. Of course, due to the Support for Supporters act, there was never any need to send anyone from Heaven into Hell, so the direct pathway that once existed had long since been cut off. Because of this, God had to send his son through the Universe into Hell. Thus came the birth and death of Jesus.
But when the ECA heard of God’s actions, they were outraged. After all, God had blatantly violated the Support for Supporters act. Furthermore, the ECA had precedent in God v Abraham, when the courts had ruled that God was not allowed to order Abraham to kill his supporting son in an attempt to solve the Second Energy Crisis. As such, God was forced to reverse his decision and bring Jesus back to Heaven. Of course, Jesus had to pass through the Universe again on his way back to Heaven, since the direct path was still cut off. Thus came the resurrection and passage into Heaven of Jesus.
However, God managed to use this reversal to generate a clever alternative solution to the Fourth Energy Crisis. He determined that the resurrection of Jesus was sufficient enough a miracle to create a new religion, namely Christianity. Figuring that being new, Christianity would be an unpopular religion, God used it to ensure that many sinners, a.k.a. non-supporters, would go to Hell. Thus God creatively used his blunder to solve the Fourth Energy Crisis.
Six hundred years later, Christianity’s popularity had grown far more than Heaven’s sociologists had predicted, due mainly to that pesky
Roman Empire. This lead to more souls entering heaven and fewer souls entering hell, causing the Fifth Energy Crisis of Heaven. To solve this crisis, God inspired the prophet Muhammad to create yet another new and unpopular religion. If successful, this plan would lead to the widespread Christians suddenly all going to Hell, while only the few Muslims were permitted into heaven, solving the Fifth Energy Crisis.
However, a fierce debate took place within the courts of Heaven. Many angels were concerned that the foundation of the new Islam was not based on a sufficiently miraculous event to warrant a new true religion. After all, getting an illiterate man to write a book hardly tops a resurrection. As the courts debated the matter, the destinations of the souls of dead Christians and Muslims were left undetermined. Thus God was forced to create Purgatory as a holding bay for all those souls. However, this merely exacerbated the Fifth Energy Crisis, as very few new souls were able to enter Hell. In order to avoid making things worse, God rescinded the religion of Islam, thereby rendering the whole debate moot and allowing souls to exit Purgatory.
God still needed a solution to the Fifth Energy Crisis, so he inspired the Crusades. These holy wars killed many non-Christians, supplying Heaven with plenty of energy. Of course, the Crusades were merely a temporary fix, for as non-Christians were killed or converted, Christianity obtained even greater popularity in the Universe. Thus a Sixth Energy Crisis was inevitable.
In order to preempt the Sixth Energy Crisis, God introduced science to the world. He hoped that the popularization of science would lead many to turn away from religion, and thus go to Hell and provide more fuel. Unfortunately, humans have an annoying ability to compartmentalize their beliefs, so the introduction of science did not lead to the anticipated yields. Thus God’s attempt at averting the Sixth Energy Crisis was a failure.
In the twentieth century, the large number of Christian deaths during World War I pushed the Sixth Energy Crisis to an unbearable level. In a desperate attempt to solve this crisis, God inspired a German art student to start sending Jewish souls to Hell. Unfortunately this student’s practices became too extreme, starting World War II. Not only did World War II result in the deaths of millions of Heaven-bound Christians, the appalling acts in the Nazi concentration camps raised sympathy for the Jewish people, which in turn caused a reduction in Jewish deaths. Thus God’s ill-conceived plan backfired and the Sixth Energy Crisis grew even worse.
Eventually, the Sixth Energy Crisis got so bad that the courts of Heaven decided to return to the old debate over the religion of Islam and rule that Islam was the correct official religion. This solved the Sixth Energy Crisis for a time. However, the 9/11 attacks and the subsequent War in
lead to an increase is Muslim deaths. Furthermore, Heaven’s investigators found that Muslims were even killing themselves after being promised a gift of 72 virgins once they reached Heaven. This forced God to generate unrealistic standards of beauty for women in order to get more lovely virgins into Heaven. Furthermore, the new angelic feminist movement opposed the mass importation of virgins, which lead to a deficit of heavenly virgins. As such, age-acceleration techniques were used on girls in heaven in order to meet the ever-increasing virgin demand. And with all these gifted virgins, the obvious aftermath was lots of sex and therefore many births, leading to a sharp increase in the population of Heaven. Thus came the Seventh Energy Crisis of Heaven. Iraq
Finally, God developed a long-term plan to solve the Energy Crises. The first phase was to use the Universe as a heat sink for Hell’s generators. The Universe being colder than Hell’s original heat sink, this increased the generators’ efficiency. However, this plan also results in Global Warming, which will eventually lead to a decrease in the generators’ efficiency as the temperature differential is reduced. Thus God needed a slow-acting long-term solution that would take effect after the Global Warming solution stopped working. To this end, he inspired several atheists, including Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins, to popularize atheism. God knew that however fickle Heaven’s courts may be, they would never rule atheism to be the true religion. Thus the New Atheist Movement was born.