Divergent

Hey kids.  Did you like The Hunger Games but felt it needed less action, fewer love triangles, more religion, more sexism, more inception, and 100 more pages of un-realized plot potential?  Then you’re going to love Divergent!

Things Zaq and Company are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 540-590

541: Not allowed to use explosive bombs while fighting onboard a wooden ship

542: Not allowed to take Favored Enemy: Party Member.

543: Not allowed to accidentally summon a hydra during an alchemy experiment

544: When accidentally summoning a hydra during an alchemy experiment, I am not allowed to shunt the blame onto an innocent bystander.

545: I have not been hired to assassinate another party member

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 491-540

Turns out the last 50 was actually 40, so we're out of step.  Oh well...

One of These Things is not Like the Others

My end-of-semester crunch has eaten up a lot of time, so here's a rather short but sweet post.  See if you can spot the outlier.  Remember, one of these things is not like the others.

Get Your Crossover Fix

That's right, it's time for yet another horrible crossover fanfiction challenge!  Here are your suggested crossovers:

Filler Post

So research and grading both decided to rear their ugly heads on a week already packed with exam proctoring and the Battle of CGS (Council of Graduate Students).  I wasn't able to do a serious post, so here's a meme while you wait.

Faith-Based Technology

After painstaking effort I have finally succeeded in compiling a complete and exhaustive list of techological advancements gained by stalheartedly refusing to look at the evidence.  These gadgets were invented by those great minds who refused to accept repeatable demonstration of functionality as a viable standard.  And, of course, every single one of them is powered by prayer.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the world's first complete and exhaustive list of faith-based technology:

Fictional Atheists

I figured this part deserves its own post (along with a couple additions).  Here's some advice on how to make fictional atheist characters that aren't horribly insulting.

The REAL Meaning of Christmas

There was once a great and benevolent and powerful and wise old being who doesn’t really have a name, so we’ll call him bob.  Bob was amazing, far more intelligent and noble than any human could ever hope to be.  So Bob decided to create, in his own image, a lesser being named ‘mankind,’ which was named after the first and far superior version that came with exterior reproductive organs, with the other type being more of an afterthought really.  Because Bob knew all about concepts like ‘genetic diversity’ and the potential problems of incest, he realized it was a great idea to start with only two of these creatures, named Adam and Eve.

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 451-490

Hey guys.  I fell a little ill this weekend, so here's some filler.

451: Not allowed to railroad the DM

452: If I find a Gygax module uninteresting, making it interesting should not involve making it harder
453: 22 Orcs is an inappropriate response to powergaming
454: “Tender Loin” is not an appropriate name for my loincloth-wearing barbarian.
455: Monsters do not regularly line their pockets with mousetraps

Headlines

What if all these famous atheists really were destined for hell?  Here are just some of the headlines we might expect to see in such a world.

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 401-450

401: Our party’s power level is not measured in terms of the number of Elder Dragons required for an effective ambush.

402: Not allowed to include factorials in my skill check DCs
403: Unless the DM explicitly states otherwise, I am to assume that the curvature of the planet we occupy is not substantially different from that of Earth.
404: The Mage template is hereby banned.
405: My superiors’ level is fixed at “Party Level + 10.”

Bible-Thumpers

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 351-400

351: Not allowed to incorporate sound bites into my campaign
352: “Get mauled by bears” is not a part of my plan
353: Not allowed to pretend my slavemate is my child
354: I have not seen more imposing towers in my pants

355: My minion character is not allowed to get the jump on the Tarrasque

Pete and Zaq's Excellent Wager

True story, I swear!

A Complete and Exhaustive List of Questions Science is not Allowed to Ask

This Week's Assignment

So you guys will have to bear with one or two more filler posts as I finish up the quarter.  This week, I have an assignment for my readers.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write one of the following terrible crossover fics.  The winner, of course, is the one who manages to make the best puns.  Your options are:

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 301-350

Back

301: Kobolds do not reproduce by fission

302: Zombies do not give run time errors during the speak with dead ritual
303: I AM wearing pants
304: Not allowed to use my opponents’ genitalia as a shield
305: Not allowed to sneak phallic imagery onto the overworld map

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

You know, I was going to finish up that piece on the first cause argument I started a while back.  Then I realized it was Easter.  So rest assured that I will finish the first cause piece, despite delays from both April Fool’s day and Easter.  But this week, I believe it is in my readers’ best interest that I share the story of Easter, which is also known as the story of the Zombie Apocalypse.  I tell you this as an active member of the resistance group SKEPTIC, so that you may be aware the dangers of associating with the necromancer Yahweh, and with his zombie son.

Quiz Time

Here's a little quiz to see how clever you are this April.