Pirate Jokes

Back in high school, a couple friends and I got really bored in study hall on talk like a pirate day.  This is the result.

Why aren’t kids allowed to watch the pirate movie?

Because it’s rated Arrrrrr

What’s the difference between a bad pirate and a bad skydiver?

A bad skydiver forgets his parachute, while a bad pirate forgets his parakeet

Why don’t people ever stop being pirates?

Because once you’re in, you’re hooked

Why don’t you ever see pirates crying?

Because they prefer private tears (privateers)

What did the pirate call Gaea when he found out she’d been cheating on him?
A land ho

What do pirates call fat people who don’t sail?

Landblubbers

What happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell into the Red Sea?

He got marooned

Why couldn’t the pirate sue the navy for his injuries?

Because he didn’t have a leg to stand on

What did the pirate do to the path that led up to his patio?

He planked the walk

What kind of women to pirates prefer?
Scurvey women

When the clown turned pirate, what was his new name?

The Jolly Roger

Where did Alpha Centauri board the pirate ship?

On the starboard side

Where do cyber-pirates plug in their gadgets?

On the port side

Why did the captain send everyone to the back of the ship?

Because he was being stern

What standard equipment do all cyber pirates wear?

The Apple i-Patch

What was Michael Jackson’s punishment for attempted mutiny?

He moonwalked the plank

What did the captain do when he found out the deck had been cleaned using muddy water?

He decked the swab

Did you know that 3.14% of people are Pi-rates?

What did the pirate say when he got his peg leg stuck in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers

What is the most common letter in the pirate alphabet?

C, there’s seven of them (I bet you were expecting Arrrrrr)

What do you call a pirate who’s on fire?

A pyre-ate

What did the pirate ship and the pilot from Holland have in common?

They were both flying Dutchmen

How did the pirate lose his leg?

Termites

How do pirates calculate the force provided by a spring?

They use Captain Hooke’s law

What do you call treasure hidden in a pirate’s shoe?

Boot loot

So a pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel down his pants.  Now the bartender looks at him, and says, "Oh my, isn't that uncomfortable."  The pirate replies, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts!"