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Sunday, July 8, 2012

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 351-400

351: Not allowed to incorporate sound bites into my campaign
352: “Get mauled by bears” is not a part of my plan
353: Not allowed to pretend my slavemate is my child
354: I have not seen more imposing towers in my pants
355: My minion character is not allowed to get the jump on the Tarrasque
356: My minion character is not allowed to stun the Tarrasque
357: Not allowed to dismissively ask how many giant monstrosities we could possibly face
358: Not allowed to have PCs named both “Character McDude” and “Dude McClone” in the same session.
359: Not allowed to outsource my insanity
360: I may not turn tail and run immediately after issuing a divine challenge
361: Not allowed to filibuster with my dying words
362: Not allowed to take NPC naming advice from the party
363: The generals of the legions of darkness are not named “Character McDude,” “Dude McClone,” “Sanku Berrymuch,” and “Ima Nutt.”
364: When the DM says “The plot is never de-railed,” we are not to take it as a challenge.
365: The Konami code does not work in D&D
366: Not allowed to diffuse a violent mob by initiating a barroom brawl through the use of hallucinogens.
367: Rule 367 is not “Don’t be Ben.”
368: Not allowed to play a racist Changeling
369: Not allowed to fashion a pokéball out of a bag of holding.
370: Grappling with a Flameskull is a terrible strategy
371: The Bag of Holding is not an ambulance
372: Not even if we equip it as such.
373: Amnesty does not come with a beating
374: I am not allowed to be my enemy’s lawyer
375: I am not allowed to be anybody’s lawyer
376: My mount’s altitude limit is not “reasonable.”
377: Not allowed to use a southern drawl
378: Not allowed to play a fetus and claim my mom as armor
379: My cleric’s previous profession was not “terrorist.”
380: The DM should not need to ban flour to prevent the party from making explosive weaponry
381: My dungeons must obey all fire codes
382: 50 kobolds and 20 orcs is not an appropriate encounter for five first level PCs
383: Not allowed to feed a dragon to my plant
384: Not allowed to re-enact little shop of horrors
385: One third of the party should not be sufficient to handle a dragon.
386: Especially when one of those party members makes no attacks.
387: The gnome is not allowed to give in to her curiosity
388: If my highest skill check exceeds my second-highest skill check by over 50%, it is a sure sign that I am over-specialized.
389: The demon code does not prevent Orcus from declining my rock-off challenge.
390: Not allowed to optimize my character for the task of discouraging the DM from running campaigns
391: Not allowed to request that the enemy sign my rules of engagement contract
392: Not allowed to sneak in a gay sex scene while the DM is afk
393: “Improvise” is not a euphemism for “home-made explosives”
394: “Home-made explosives” is not a euphemism for “explosives concocted on the spot”
395: Not allowed to make my circumstantial bonus apply in all circumstances.
396: Not allowed to cast Make Whole on the ocean
397: Not allowed to cast Make Whole on the DM’s mind.
398: Not allowed to cast Make Whole on anything
399: Not allowed to conquer a city
400: Especially not when I’ve been given explicit orders not to initiate hostilities.

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