Total Pageviews

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 401-450

401: Our party’s power level is not measured in terms of the number of Elder Dragons required for an effective ambush.
402: Not allowed to include factorials in my skill check DCs
403: Unless the DM explicitly states otherwise, I am to assume that the curvature of the planet we occupy is not substantially different from that of Earth.
404: The Mage template is hereby banned.
405: My superiors’ level is fixed at “Party Level + 10.”

406: The above rule does not allow my ally to gain 10 levels by having me declare him my superior
407: Playing a fetus is not more or less like playing a mech pilot
408: Not allowed to found America out of genre
409: After conquering a city, the next session should not consist of liberating that same city
410: After liberating a city we just conquered, the next course of action should not be re-conquering that same city
411: Not allowed to do something so dumb I am slapped by a plant
412: Not allowed to put the fourth wall in my bag of holding
413: The chaotic evil Barbarian should not be the primary supporter for a bill of rights.
414: My character does not worship the god “DM.”
415: When a player asks me if we can create a custom half-pixie race, the best response is not to suggest that he play a halfling
416: Not allowed to discuss the technical details of pixie-human mating
417: Not allowed to name my character “Minmaximillion Pegasus.”
418: The range of the long-ranged rifle is not “Long.”
419: “Naked Apron DM” is not a valid character concept
420: I have not seen enough hentai to know where this is going
421: There is no such species “Growlith Canonthus.”
422: Not allowed to create a custom item-fusion system
423: If “All it does” is let me quad-wield spellbooks, it’s still broken.
424: Not allowed to filibuster while my allies don their armor
425: The Dwarven Constitution does not mirror the US Constitution
426: Not allowed to get the Orcs addicted to placebos
427: Not allowed to invent Orcball
428: There is no worldwide conspiracy of shepherds
429: Not allowed to name my Cleric “Cleric McCleric.”
430: “Punch the party wizard” is not the best way to bypass the enemy’s gate
431: Nor is “rape the paladin.”
432: When the elf chick instructs me to “check the chest for traps,” I know exactly which chest she means and it isn’t hers.
433: Describing the unclasping of a woman’s bra as “picking the lock to her chest” does not allow me to add my lockpicking skill to my seduction check.

434: Nobody wants to see the exponential growth of my natural log
435: The goblin’s momma is not so fat that I nearly mistook her for a hobgoblin
436: Using copy and paste on the treasure on the map does not give us extra treasure
437: I do not get combat bonuses whenever the DM gets my character’s name wrong
438: Not allowed to name my character Wile E. Coyote
439: A high-quality steak does not double as a literal meat shield
440: “Sheep Surfing” is not a hidden shepherd art
441: Not allowed to create a distraction using my giant cock (chicken).
442: When performing the above, not allowed to shout “My cock is rather fowl today!”
443: Dwarves do not make handy footstools
444: No matter how many times we crit our acrobatics checks, we are not a traveling circus
445: There is no such dance as “Old Man Ballet.”
446: There is no such skill as “Knowledge: Your Mom”
447: Not allowed to play a bikini-clad heroine
448: Not allowed to play a male bikini-clad heroine
449: The library does not contain a copy of the campaign document
450: “Necromenized” is not a word

No comments:

Post a Comment