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Sunday, December 23, 2012

The REAL Meaning of Christmas

There was once a great and benevolent and powerful and wise old being who doesn’t really have a name, so we’ll call him bob.  Bob was amazing, far more intelligent and noble than any human could ever hope to be.  So Bob decided to create, in his own image, a lesser being named ‘mankind,’ which was named after the first and far superior version that came with exterior reproductive organs, with the other type being more of an afterthought really.  Because Bob knew all about concepts like ‘genetic diversity’ and the potential problems of incest, he realized it was a great idea to start with only two of these creatures, named Adam and Eve.

Now Bob, being the benevolent father-type dude that he is, placed Adam and Eve in a wondrous playground of sorts, which is a perfect place with no pain or suffering or death or any of those terrible, terrible things that no good parent would ever want their children to face.  But being far wiser than the labels that come on our medicine bottles, Bob decided to take his not-for-my-children fruit tree and plant it right smack in the middle of the garden, right where Adam and Eve could easily reach it.  “Now don’t eat that fruit!” Bob commanded.  “It’ll kill you.”  And in his infinite wisdom, Bob left out the part about the fruit granting the humans knowledge of good and evil.  Of course, Bob is intelligent enough to have realized that Adam and Eve, who had not yet eaten the fruit that awakens them to knowledge of good and evil, had no idea that it was wrong to be naked.  But he is also so unbelievably intelligent that he realized that despite this, it was perfectly reasonable to expect Adam and Eve to know that disobeying Bob is wrong, even though they hadn’t eaten the fruit yet.

Then along came a snake, which at that point had legs and a voice box, all given to it by Bob.  It walked up to Eve, who, having her reproductive organs on the inside, was the far weaker-willed of the two humans.  So the snake told Eve that eating the fruit would not kill her, which was not exactly incorrect.  The snake also told Eve that by eating the fruit she would become like Bob, knowing right from wrong, which was perfectly true.  Eve, being a good little girl, wanted to know right from wrong so she could be sure not to do anything wrong.  So she ate the fruit, and convinced Adam to do so too.

This angered Bob, and rightfully so, for he told those humans-who-did-not-know-right-from-wrong not to eat of the tree he had placed so easily within their reach, and yet they disobeyed him.  Now eating the fruit had only positive consequences – it allowed Adam and Eve to understand morality, which had the immediate effect of granting them body shame such as no nudist colony has ever felt.  Bob, being smarter than you or I, realized that this incredibly beneficial act could not go unpunished.  First, he punished the serpents, and by that I mean all the serpents and not just the serpent who spoke to Eve, which is the foolish decision that you or I probably would have made.  They lost their legs, and while Bob said they were to eat only dust from thence forth, it was clearly just a joke because snakes eat lots of non-dust foods.  This curse would have undoubtedly taught those serpents some sort of valuable lesson, except that Bob deemed it fit to remove their sentience.  But still, it was clearly just and right and perfectly good to meet out such eternal punishment to all serpents everywhere and everywhen to atone for the actions of this one member of their kind, who had the audacity to help the humans learn.

And for daring to gain knowledge of morality, Bob punished the humans in a comparably severe manner.  For these humans needed to learn that obedience to Bob was far more important than any positive effects their disobedient actions might provide.  Eve, who we’ve established was decisively inferior to Adam, was cursed with large amounts of pain during childbirth.  This curse would of course be passed down to her daughters.  Similarly, Bob commanded that the internal-organ-types were to be ruled over by the far superior and far more reliable external-organ-types.  Bob also cursed the humans of both types with pain and suffering and death and all those terrible, terrible things that every good parent uses to punish their disobedient children, and he banished them from their happy little playground, to show just how good a parent he was. 

A long time passed, during which Bob teamed up with a human named Noah to debug and reboot the earth.  And while all of the humans had descended from Adam and Eve, and eventually from Noah and his family after the reboot, Bob chose a select few of the people as his favorites, because that is what every loving parent must do.  Bob, in his mighty magnificence, looked after and guided these chosen few.  So, naturally, they suffered eons of tragedy and torment, mostly because they did naughty things like not stoning children who lied to them or not forcing rapists to marry their victims, or treating the interior-reproductive-organ types as if they were more than property, thereby elevating them above their rightful place. 

Eventually there came a terrible being who we’ll call Ted.  Ted was once an angel, but he thought he’d make a better leader than Bob, much as you or I might mistakenly think after reading this story.  So Ted decided to rebel.  But Bob, being the best of the best of the best, defeated Ted.  But as Batman will tell you, it’s never okay to kill those who do wrong… except for the millions who died in Bob’s reboot… or the innocent first-born sons of all of Egypt, who Bob personally slew… or the enemies of the chosen people, whose young daughters made such wonderful brides… or every human being who faced death due solely to the curse Bob placed on Adam and Eve.  But you get the idea.  So Bob, in his all-knowing benevolence, decided to let Ted live, so that Ted could continually tempt and harass mankind.  Bob gave Ted lordship of the realm of hell, which was a horrendous and terrible place where those billions of humans who disobeyed Bob would be justly tortured for all of eternity after their death.  Even the infants, of course.

Now despite the righteousness of Bob’s eternal torment of the souls of nearly every human being, he decided in his extraordinary mercy to offer humans a chance of salvation; a chance to be forgiven for the crimes which had been committed not by them but by the first humans, Adam and Eve, and for which they, Adam and Eve’s descendants, obviously bore all responsibility.

So Bob developed the most cunning and ingenious of plans.  He impregnated one of those eggs-on-the-inside types.  He chose a virgin, because the younger ones are especially desirable.  There was of course no need to ask for any type of consent, for what daughter of Eve would ever have rejected the prospect of becoming impregnated pre-marriage by someone other than her husband-to-be, in a society where that kind of thing was highly frowned upon?  And in the true spirit of the one-night-stand, Bob left before Mary had awoken, sending his wingman Gabriel to inform Mary of her impregnation, thus serving as an excellent role-model for men everywhere.

So Mary bore Bob’s son to term, though the son also happened to be Bob himself in some strange way that totally keeps this from being polytheistic.  This Bob-in-human-clothing, which was named Jesus, performed a great many miracles, from healing the sick to raising the dead, all of which were promptly ret-conned out of existence, lest any future humans dare to rely on evidence.

The explicit behavior of the shepherds who soon heard of Jesus’ birth indicates clearly that he was born sometime in the spring.  But don’t worry about the date.  Bob knows that moving Jesus’/his birthday celebration to align with pagan holidays is perfectly acceptable, even now that the threat of oppression by pagans has long since vanished.  Thus was Jesus/Bob born.  Of course, Jesus/Bob’s ultimate purpose in life was to be a demi-human sacrifice to himself, except not really, because Bob was to resurrect Jesus/Bob, so that Jesus/Bob could join himself in a place called heaven, which is a lot like that playground Adam and Eve used to have, only awesomer.

This sacrifice would allow Jesus/Bob to absorb all the guilt and responsibility for Adam and Eve’s horrible crime, which was justly falling to their descendants. Naturally, this demi-human sacrifice ritual only works for those who believe that it took place, and not for those fools who listen to evidence.  They get tortured for all eternity for thinking they’re smarter than Bob.  Of course, the forgiveness could easily have been granted without the need for Bob to more-or-less rape Mary, but that wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining.

So this holiday season, as you sit by your pagan-inspired trees and open your materialistic gifts and pretend to enjoy the company of your in-laws, don’t forget to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  For Christmas time is a time to celebrate Christ, a virtually-rape-induced demi-human bastard (literally) who was born to serve as a not-really-dead sacrifice to himself, so that you would no longer need to bear the blame for the beneficial-but-obviously-evil act of your earliest ancestors, so long as you make sure not to worry about silly things like reason and evidence.

Merry Christmas!


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