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Saturday, April 9, 2011

Things Zaq and Co. May No Longer Do in an RPG: 1-50

1.  Not allowed to intentionally devolve the game into Rocket Tag.
2.  Note to self: You cannot tank in Rocket Tag.
3.  While glass cannons may be in fashion, I must still ensure that my character’s hit points exceed his level.
4.  My 10 Int is not a “dump stat.”
5.  Not allowed to play a character with 1 point in intelligence
6.  Taking “Inattentive” is not an excuse to ignore the six pages of campaign background my DM has so graciously provided.
7.  “Longsword” is not the optimum weapon for a thief.
8.  Our battle strategy is not ‘Hope the bard hits with Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.”
9.  Especially when the monster’s save only fails on a natural 1.
10. Not even if this strategy works remarkably well.
11. Training in Perform: Standup Comedy does not increase the save DC of Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.
12. Not allowed to pit the party against a monster whose spells’ save DCs require an at-level monk to roll a natural 20
13. Especially not when said monster is several levels above the party
14. Not even if said monster is in the source material.
15. Any endeavor requiring four consecutive athletics checks should not be attempted in full plate
16. If my mount thinks it’s a bad idea, I shouldn’t do it.
17. If the good-aligned party is banned from every town they ever pass through, they’re doing it wrong.
18. If the initial party composition uniformly fills the alignment grid, make a new party
19. My paladin’s alignment is not “Lawful Reckless.”
20. Not allowed to negate the evil cleric’s entire strategy with a single 1st-level spell
21. My battle strategy is not “insult the necronaut’s mother.”
22. Not even if I combine this with invisibility + ventriloquism
23. Not even if I have ranks in Perform: Standup Comedy
24. Performing standup comedy at an obscure gnomish pub in the middle of nowhere is not the most efficient way to raise the party Paladin
25. Not allowed to construct a podium out of corpses
26. While bards are quite versatile, requiring one to simultaneously function as the party’s primary tank, sole healer, sole buffer, and sole debuffer causes undue stress.
27. Not allowed to kill the final boss 2 levels early.
28. Especially not when the battle plan was “Cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter and hope he crit. fails the save.”
29. When attempting a rescue mission, we are encouraged to devise a more cunning strategy than “Invisible Gnome Paratroopers.”
30. Not allowed to abuse Fireball’s ludicrous range by using my rat familiar as a spotter
31. Not allowed to use my rat familiar as a mount
32. When the enormous dragon asks “Who summoned me?”  It is inopportune for the tiny Gnome sorceress to squeak “Me,” while riding her rat familiar
33.  I am not allowed to obfuscate stupidity
34. Especially not when I’m talking to myself
35. Not allowed to train Profession: Opportunistic Bastard.
36. I am not allowed to request Correllian’s signature on any legal documents
37. Nor is my agent
38. Especially not if said agent is a parrot familiar
39. Axe guitars do not function as axes
40. My bard does not hold the title: Pop Sensation of Ze Spanish Isles
41. There are no Spanish Isles
42. Not allowed to use the name “Paco Picante” for anyone
43. Not allowed to have a familiar with a higher AC than the party tank.
44. The male line of my lineage does not consist entirely of people named “Al Bluecloak.”
45. Not even when “Al” reflects a different name each time.
46. My family heirloom is not a blue +1 Cloak of Mediocrity
47. Especially not when I rolled two 18s for stats.
48. In a Final Fantasy RPG, not allowed to recreate the above lineage, using “Liffynastana” in place of
49. Not even if all the Al’s turn out to be the same person
50. Not allowed to use anagrams anywhere



  1. Glad to see you finally uploaded part of the list :) It's horrifying to think that this is all stuff we have actually done in a handful of games. Sadly, #24 will not make sense to anyone who was not in that game.

  2. Okay, for context on #24. In one campaign I played, a paladin died at faily low level (4 I think). About 3 levels or so later, I was playing a gnome bard who decided to spend some of the party's downtime performing standup comedy in a gnomish pub in the middle of nowhere. Apparently in D&D 3.5, if you roll high enough on your perform check, you can attract the attention of extra planar beings. Our DM decided to use this as an excuse to not only raise the paladin, but raise him as a half-celestial with a pegasus mount and at no cost to the party.

    And yes, every one of these things is something that I did or witnessed in an pen-and-paper RPG.

  3. Now I really want to play D&D.
    A friend of mine already bought the books required, now we're just going to have to find enough geeks to play with us :D Too bad no one plays it around here, so we most likely won't find someone with some experience...