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Sunday, April 24, 2011

Things Zack and Co. May No Longer Do in an RPG: 51-100


51.  Not allowed to name our airship the USS That’s One of Ours, Sir.
52.  My background story may not contain time-travel paradoxes
53.  Allowing the GM to generate a background story for me will result in me finding myself in an extremely sticky situation at the start of the first session.
54.  I am not secretly a robot
55.  Especially if I am not aware of this fact
56.  I am not secretly the ruler of a major nation
57.  Especially if I am not aware of this fact
58.  When GMing, it is best to inform players if they are secretly the robot ruler of a major nation
59.  My nation’s evacuation plan is not “Host a bigass freakin party.”
50.   I should not ignore the GM’s increasingly obvious hints that it might be a good idea to locate my nation’s Orb of Immense Power.
61.   I should try to avoid letting Chocobos corrupt the programming of my Robotic Operating Buddies.
62.   The souls of possessed-magicite-turned-into-frogs should not be used to fuel the Airship.
63.   Never let the random newcomer roleplay the uberpowerful leader of the current nation
64.   Not allowed to roughhouse the merchant into selling dirt cheap
65.   When said merchant brings out his goons, we are not allowed to annihilate the town in “self defense.”
66.   When running away from an angry town, it is best NOT to leave the poor moogle behind.
67.   Even if said moogle subsequently infiltrates and destroys an enemy warehouse.
68.   Not allowed to invent an afterburner (which delivers 200% fuel efficiency!) and attach it to a flamethrower
69.   Not allowed to fill my squirt gun with water from that fountain that turned everyone into frogs
70.  When the prophecy mentions “The Exile of Cracken,” and one of the old party members was very obviously exiled from Cracken, I should not infer that the new guy from Cracken will soon be exiled.
71.  We are not the Four Horsemen of the Chaosalypse
72.  Not allowed to access the game’s FAQ in-game
73.   Not allowed to hit on the save-point moogle chick
74.   When my attempts to hit on the save-point moogle chick fail miserably, I am not allowed to order my ugly, glitchy, virtual moogle to hit on the save-point moogle chick in an attempt to make myself look better by comparison.
75.  Hacking save points is a bad idea
76.  Having save points is a bad idea
77.  Claiming that the prophesied “Userper of Merelith” is “That guy I stole the throne from” is not going to work.
78.  “Pimpfiltration” is not a class skill for Pimps.
79.  “Pimp” is not a class.
80.  My spaceship is not “The Pimpmobile.”
81.  “Pimp Slap” is not the Pimp class’s primary attack
82.  “Ho, ho, ho” is not a Pimp class attack power that involves chucking three chicks at the opponent
83.  Not allowed to singlehandedly devolve the campaign into “Space Pimps, the RPG.”
84.  When playing a Pimp, it is considered poor taste to offer every NPC female a job.
85.  Especially when said female is the twelve-year-old daughter of a fellow party member
86.  “Call me when she turns 14” does not save face.
87.  When the GM explicitly informs us that we will all get vamped by the end of the campaign, I am not to take it as a challenge.
88.  The skill “Drive” is for driving automobiles.  It does not grant me additional willpower.
89.  When attempting to build a Halfling barbarian, I should not re-concept her as “small human child” to avoid the Halfling weapon restrictions.
90.  Twelve-year-old girls should not be barbarians.
91.  Especially not when they name their axe “Fluffy.”
92.  Twelve-year-old girls should never be named “Lolita Kahn.”
93.  When the king is briefing us on our mission, I am not to interrupt by gesturing towards his kingdom on the map and saying “The Kahns are going to conquer this land.”
94.  Not allowed to reflavor the bard rituals as rock concerts.
95.  Not allowed to market “Spells on Tape,” even if I’m a bard.
96.  Not allowed to play a character destined to become the literal god of rock
97.  Our party’s battle cry is not “Blood for the Blood God!”
98.  Nor is it “Caution to the Wind!”
99.  When asked “Does a seventeen hit?” my response should not be “PLATEMAIL!!!!”
100.  Not allowed to put “Snakes on an Airship” on the random encounter table


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