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Saturday, October 1, 2011

Thngs Zaq and Co. May No Longer Do in an RPG: 151 - 200


151.    Not allowed to use my enemy’s corpse as a tower shield.
152.    Not allowed to use my enemy midget’s corpse as a buckler.
152.    Not allowed to listen to the NPC’s plot exposition, then rewind time and replay the scene to appear far more knowledgeable than I actually am.
154.    Not allowed to send myself forward in time to skip the big bad’s pre-combat monologue.
155.    My time mage has NO EXCUSE for being late.
156.    Not allowed to name my time mage “Justin Time.”
157.    Nor “Indy Nikov Time.”
158.    Nor “Ty Mout.”
159.    Nor “Marty McFly”
160.    I do not have the merit Contacts: Other Timelines.
161.    My character is not allowed to have the derangement “Thinks he’s an RPG character.”
162.    Nor “Thinks he can glitch the game.”
163.    Not allowed to choose “Behind the GM’s screen” as my scrying target.
164.    I do not have enough dots in allies to call in air strikes.
165.    Not allowed to use teleportation spells to plaster an ally’s floor with sanity-destroying pictures
166.    Not allowed to earn the title “Count of Monte-Fisto.”
167.    My ally being a “Jaccuzi Sympathizer” is not a valid excuse for assault.
168.    Our combat theme music is not the Oompa Loompa song.
169.    At the end of the campaign, not allowed to send myself several years into the future so I can play the same character in the sequel campaign
170.    Also not allowed to send kickass items into the future so my next character can “randomly” stumble across them.
171.    Not allowed to exploit the rules to obtain cheap in-game porn.
172.    Not allowed to exploit fellow party members to obtain cheap in-game porn.
173.    Not allowed to spend experience mid-attack
174.    The dice are used to determine my chances of success, not my decisions
175.    Not allowed to provoke the GM
176.    Not allowed to engage in “mercy killing” of other party members
177.    If an Oath spell has spontaneously manifested sentience in order to declare an exception that allows you to kill a fellow party member, you’re doing something wrong.
178.    “Slightly to the left of the future” is not a valid destination for time travel spells
179.    Not allowed to apply marbles in combat
180.    Not allowed to contaminate the crime scene with endangered animals
181.    Thermite is not the best way to melt a frozen warehouse
182.    Not allowed to initiate Armageddon in order to prevent Armageddon
183.    Not allowed use time magic to stack Armageddi
184.    The party sniper and the party tank are not allowed to be the same character
185.    “Check my watch” is not my default reaction.
186.    Not allowed to take hallucinogens so the changeling can give me dream teaching
187.    Hallucinogens are not the changelings’ makeshift telephone.
188.    Not allowed to play a loli pimp
189.    My watch does not come with radar
190.    Not allowed to turn 6 minutes into 32 hours so we can take two extended rest in the middle of the dungeon.
191.    If I need to write a program to calculate my rate of healing, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong
192.    Not allowed to grossly exceed the healing capacity of a high-level vampire without actually being a vampire
193.    Not allowed to send the boss 40 years into the future
194.    Even if I am the party min-maxer, my motto is not allowed to be “Carpe DM.”
195.    If my fellow party member goes min-max, that does not leave me with max-min
196.    Our tactics are not best describe as “Hit and run, without the hit.”
197.    “Cock blocked by vampires” is not an achievement
198.    Not allowed to have a Twilight Training Montage
199.    Not allowed to build a character with multiple personality disorder
200.    In the event that my character has multiple personality disorder, I am not allowed to give each personality its own unique set of mental stats.


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