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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Things Zaq and Co. May No Longer Do in an RPG: 201-250


201. My time mage’s catch phrase is not “Apocalypse 100 years from now!”
202. Not allowed to produce any infinite spell loops
203. Not allowed to create Unlimited Blade Works in-game
204. Not allowed to summon an infinite amount of weaponry, armor, vehicles, and robot soldiers
205. Not allowed to create an infinite pocket dimension to hold my weaponry, armor, vehicles, and robot soldiers
206. Not allowed to have an infinite heal rate
207. None of my stats may have the value “infinity”
208. Not allowed to gain + infinity to my next attack
209. Not allowed to send the final boss one googolplex years into the future
210. Not allowed to send the final dungeon one googolplex years into the future
211. Not allowed to completely halt my aging process while having an infinite amount of prep time
212. While trying to pass an infinite amount of time, not allowed to start a RPG campaign within the campaign and enter an infinite spell loop within the campaign within a campaign in which I need to pass an infinite amount of time, etc.
213. Not allowed to gain an infinite number of successes despite a GM-imposed limit on the size of my dice pool.
214. I should never need to reference the Poincare Recurrence Theorem when describing my character’s actions
215. Not allowed to completely revamp my character mid-session, even if the rules allow it
216. Not allowed break the previous fourteen rules in the span of one femtosecond
217. My time mage’s catch phrase is not “Screw the rules, I have time!”
218. We do not gain arcane experience for witnessing an infinite time loop
219. Not allowed to kill the final boss during the first encounter of the campaign
220. A night of uninterrupted rough sex does not count as an extended rest for the purposes of healing
221. There is no such herb as Fernis Condumus
222. Not allowed to take the merit Allies: Imaginary Friends
223: My character does not get more composed when she goes crazy
224: Not allowed to seduce fellow party members
225: Not allowed to seduce fellow under-aged party members
226: Not allowed to form the One Ohm Resistance Movement.
227: Nor the One Kill ‘Em Ohm Resistance Movement
228: Not allowed to min-max insanity
227: Killbane is not a creative name for my campaign’s villain
228: Not allowed to play a doctor with the last name “House.”
229: Nor “Who.”
230: When I want to enter a gated community, I am not allowed to get permission from “C-4”
231: McDonald’s does not have a back-up plan in case of apocalypse
232: Not allowed to include a “Chekhov’s Red Herring” in my campaign
233: The seduction mechanic is hereby banned
234: We should not invent rules for determining the amount of bashing damage dealt by rough sex
235: Not allowed to have the virtue of Charity with the vice of Greed
236: I should not have to ask if prerequisites apply to one or both of my personalities
237: Not allowed to name the NPC hooker Ok Suk Wang
238: I am not obligated to provide context
239: Not allowed to sculpt the suspect’s bush into a middle finger
240: I am not to congratulate other party members on initiating “interesting events.”
241: Not allowed to recreate the power rangers out of genre
242: Blow guns are not used for blow jobs
243: Plan B is not twice as much bullshitting as Plan A
244: When I explain the limits of my character’s capabilities, I should not have to qualify anything with “when insane.”
245: Out of character financial readjustments to fix the in-game economic system cannot be used to satisfy my Greed vice.
246: Not allowed to metagame the virtue/vice system
247: Insanity does not allow me to level up faster
248: While living in a biodome, not allowed to develop bioweapons
249: Not allowed to invite the party to someone else’s house for dinner
250: In a post-apocalyptic society, not allowed to develop modern weaponry

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