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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Things Zaq and Co. May No Longer do in an RPG: 251-300


251: There is no such thing as thermite-doped blood
252: Not allowed to devolve the session into a debate over the definition of chemical castration
253: There are no rules for making seduction checks while comatose
254: When I ask if we’ll need to bring weapons and the NPC tells me my weapons will be checked at the door, I am not to take this as advice to bring concealed weapons.
255: Not allowed to ragequit
256: Not allowed to name my character “Lar D'Bag”
257: Not allowed to nickname the NPC “Granny Love Slave.”
258: Not allowed to give the GM ideas
259: Not allowed to use “Customer Service” as a euphemism for “Assassin.”
260: My job title is not “Aggressive Negotiator.”
261: Our party is not The SOS Brigade
262: The enemy’s secret base is not located in “blahdy-blahdy-blah.”
263: Not allowed to parry a bullet in a gritty, realistic setting, no matter what the rules say.
264: If you need to write your own program to handle your character’s attacks, it’s time to retire that character.
265: My inventory list does not include “One Anatomically Correct Doll.”
266: I am not to make house rules on the assumption that the PCs are insane
267: Not allowed to deal over 800d6 damage with a utility spell
268: Not allowed to name my Tsundere character Soon McDere
269: Not allowed to give said character the middle name Amé
270: Not allowed to make a childhood marriage promise with a plant
271: Not allowed to act Tsundere towards a plant
272: Not allowed to growl at a plant, even if it growled first
273: There is no such plant as “Growlith Canthus”
274: Not allowed to play Captain Jack Sparrow
275: When presented with a random event table, I am not allowed to simply combine all the events into one event
276: Especially not when this leads to a ghost ship with evil pirate spirits mutinying against their own captain while attacking the titanic
277: I do not get a bonus to religion checks for being an atheist
278: The most powerful beings in the world are not referred to as “The Power Nine.”
279: Magic the Gathering dragon cards are not a good source of random boss names
280: Stealth has many uses.  Hiding my weapons up my ally’s anal cavity is not one of them.
281: Nor is hiding them up the guard’s anal cavity.
282: The goal of the campaign is not “One-Shot Cthulu.”
283: When the GM informs me that Cthulu is not a vampire, my response should not be “Yet.”
284: Vampires do not have retractable nuts
285: Not allowed to invent depth charges in a medieval setting
286: If Arcana is the best skill I can find to cover the use of depth charges, I should not be using depth charges
287: Not allowed to patent depth charges in a medieval setting
288: When at sea, Kraken is not our primary food source
289: My game world does not contain "Iron-esque," which functions just like iron except when you try to use it in thermite
290: Not allowed to enslave the Kobolds
291: Not allowed to kook the Kobolds
292: The native flora does not break the laws of thermodynamics
293: Not allowed to abuse Special Relativity in a medieval setting
294: I do not have a +2 training bonus to "jacking off."
295: If I am banned from the Bard class in 3.5 but not the Druid class, something is wrong
296: There is no such item “Alchemist’s Napalm”
297: Not allowed to dump my primary stat
298: The best way to rescue the hobgoblin is not to force him to punch a boulder to pieces
299: Not allowed to troll the party without even showing up
300: The primary tank is not whoever happens to have the most HP at the time.


  1. >>299: Not allowed to troll the party without even showing up

    Zaq have you been rustling people's jimmies?

  2. It's spelled Lar D'Bag, by the way.