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Monday, May 14, 2012

Things Zaq and Co. are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 301-350


301: Kobolds do not reproduce by fission
302: Zombies do not give run time errors during the speak with dead ritual
303: I AM wearing pants
304: Not allowed to use my opponents’ genitalia as a shield
305: Not allowed to sneak phallic imagery onto the overworld map
306: There is no such place as “Sperm Islands.”
307: Not allowed to force my slaves to serve me their previous king for dinner
308: Even if their king is of a different species
309: Not allowed to wear my slaves’ previous king as armor
310: The converse error is not valid in D&D
311: I do not get a bonus to bluff checks by being a tsundere
312: Not allowed to name my plant “Fido.”
313: Not allowed to enter an unstoppable rage of indirect violence
314: Not allowed to include Mario and Luigi as NPCs
315: The chicken-seller is not allowed to shout “We have good cock here!”
316: Not allowed to post out-of-context session bits on Facebook
317: Not allowed to troll the mini-map
318: Not allowed to blast the door open before trying the handle
319: “Jesus, the Lich” is not an appropriate final boss.
320: My official policy is not, “Whenever something odd happens, blame it on the Gnome.”
321: The Gnomish nation is not the analog of Japan
322: Not allowed to abuse perpetual motion
323: The party barbarian is not an epic mount
324: Not allowed to make a dark god tap out
325: Not allowed to drive a dark god to suicide
326: We are not playing strip D&D
327: Not having a plot is not the best way to prevent plot derailment
328: I do not need to roll an Acrobatics check to make a pelvic thrust
329: There is no need to know the size ratio of drake nuts to dragon nuts
330: Not allowed to have a species of cannibalistic plants
331: I should not have to inquire about the penalties for eating one’s own familiar
332: I am not allowed to make drugs out of my familiar
333: Not allowed to recreate scenes from Excel Saga
334: Dwarves do not have French accents
335: Not allowed to replace my enemy’s library with Dwarven porn.
336: There is no such plant “Growlith Familiarus”
337: The hotel does not offer any bitchin’ massages
338: The hotel does not offer any “Bitch and Massage” packages.
339: The inter-racial breeding of an Elf and an Ent does not produce and Elef-Ent
340: I do not get artistic license during dream sequences
341: Not allowed to turn the dream sequence into a wet dream sequence
342: Not allowed to play a big ham
343: Not allowed to literally play a big ham
344: Not allowed to drop the DM from the call
345: Not allowed to simultaneously enter both a demon-slaying contest and an angel-slaying contest
346: Not allowed to play a minion
347: My minion is not allowed to be named “Dude McDude”
348: My minion does not possess the title “Angelslayer.”
349: “The Cult of Whispering Doom” is not a good name for the villains’ organization, no matter how good their PR.
350: Any organization founded by a man named “Dimitri Doomicus” is not to be trusted

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