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Sunday, March 31, 2013

My Easter Celebrations

Most Americans celebrate Easter by honoring1 the sacrifice2 of a flawless3 godling4 who died5 for your6 sins7.  But since I actually read the footnotes (hint hint), I’ve decided to celebrate Easter in a more insulting fashion.  So here’s my plan for the day.

1: Genetically engineer my pet rabbit to lay eggs.
2: Give Cesar Chavez a Path to Citizenship for his birthday.
3: Re-read the Harry Potter series.
4: Replace the world’s supply of cross-shaped necklaces with rainbow necklaces.
5: Hunt down all of Zeus’s many children and stick them in an electric chair.
6: Move Bibles into the fiction section.
7: Pass out copies of The God Delusion at my local street corner.
8: Raise a horde of Zombies and use them to conquer the world.
9: Take all the money from various collection plates and donate it to actual charities.
10: Tell the world that this whole “Easter” thing doesn’t make any sense.


1: What we actually mean here is “forgetting.”
2: Which consisted of leaving this crapsack of a world and living in a utopia instead.
3: You know, that guy who came to bring not peace but a sword.
4: What we actually mean here is “bastard.”
5: What we actually mean here is “left this crapsack of a world to live in a utopia instead.”
6: What we actually mean here is “someone else’s”
7: What we actually mean here is “failure to follow arbitrary and questionable rules.”


  1. Zeus's children? I don't get that one...

  2. In celebration of a god's son being sacrificed, we'll sacrifice another god's son.